Tag Archives: freelance snark

Freelance Writers: Please Stop Flirting With Me

kissI’m clearly having a Dave Barry moment, so please be patient.

Lately the deluge of offers of naughtiness are coming at me non-stop. Already twice today at the time of this writing, I’ve had freelance writers let me know they think I’m hot stuff.

Now they’re too professional to come right out and say it in an e-mail. No, these temptations come to me by way of thinly veiled messages. To the casual readers they look like simple writing goofs, but I know better.

See, I know how to read between the lines. And I can JUST TELL these freelancers are trying to tell me something. Something steamy. Like maybe they want me to scoop out one of my spare millions and take them on a world cruise, sipping alcoholic drinks out of coconut shells and savoring the pleasures of the flesh.

I know what you’re thinking right about now, but trust me. This is REAL. They all use the same code, and it’s flattering really…but I just don’t know how I can afford to take ALL these people on a steamy cruise, let alone spend the proper amount of time with them all. So what’s the hidden message in all of this material they send me?

They all write, “Please bare with me.” Some say it in the articles they send, others say it in their cover letters or e-mails about this and that. Some of them also mention that a sign proudly “bares” a logo, or that they “bare in mind” which also sounds to me just a bit dirty. I know dirty thoughts when I read them, oh yes indeedy.

But I just can’t bare with you. For starters, I’m taken. What’s more, I can’t afford all the cruise ship time. I’m flattered, really, but it won’t work out between us no matter how many times I bare with you.

Please don’t be hurt or upset, but unless you want me to “bear with you” instead, I’m afraid it’s just not on, as the kids would say. I just can’t respond to your pleas for nakedness.

I’m sure you understand.

Freelancer Jargon 2.0: My Top 10 Suggestions

If you are new to freelancing, you’re probably already struggling to learn new phrases and concepts. Words like “invoice” and “kill fee” probably meant nothing to you until you dived right in to the nutty world of self-employment. Now here comes a jerk like me suggesting you learn even MORE new phrases. But it goes without saying that the freelancer lexicon needs a bit of an update–industry jargon 2.0, you might say. Here is a handy list of new phrases we should all be adding to our vocabularies. Take with one grain of salt and use as directed.

10. The device pictured above should no longer be referred to as a phone. It should be called a LEASH.

9. Sleep is not a word freelancers should be using. Replace immediately with the word nap.

8. Sick is a word to be used only when you need to justify a three day weekend. If you need to take a vacation, you should be telling people you have a two-week onsite project.

7.  You did NOT just spend $1500 on a new laptop. You took a strategic tactical tax deduction. You also took a strategic tax deduction (STAD for short) on that Playstation 3 you just purchased, but only if you write a review on it for your monetized blog.

6. A magazine that goes bankrupt before paying you is a deadbeat dad. A high-paying magazine that gave you regular assigments that goes bankrupt is called a deadbeat sugar daddy.

5. An editor who won’t return your e-mails is a zombie. When you terminate the relationship with an editor who won’t return your e-mails, you George Romero‘d him. (Romero is the guy who brought zombie lore–including the requirement to shoot a zombie in the head to kill it–to pop culture.)

4. Deadlines should be reclassified. In the military, a deadline is called a suspense. While this seems to be bad usage, it does make sense, as you’ll be keeping the editor in suspense until you actually turn in your work. Will you or won’t you? Maybe we should start using this goofy term instead.

3. Freelance opportunities are often called markets, but are really meal tickets. A magazine that regularly publishes freelancers in our current economy should be known as Daddy Warbucks.

2. Starbucks should simply be rebranded as the Alternate Conference Room.

1.  Time-wasting blog entries like this should be called brain candy.  In our current economy, freelance blogs themselves could be considered like lifeboats, as in, “You’re a survivor, too?” But then again, most freelancers I know are doing better than the cubicle zombies I know, so maybe there’s a better analogy. Feel free to suggest your own freelancer jargon 2.0 in the comments section.