Fiction-Zone: Leaps in Fiction Mastery by Diane Holmes, Chief Alchemist of Pitch University

Last Thursday, Amanda Smyth Connor got her rant on in A Freelance Rant.

In response to all those peeps who think, “It’s just so wonderful and EASY being a freelance writer! Why doesn’t everyone do this?!” she replies…

Because it isn’t easy, you ninny! If it was easy, we would all be millionaires and we would be writing blog posts from our estates on the beach, and butlers would proofread our work all day.

To Amanda Smyth Connor I say, “I love you, man.”  And we fiction writers can’t say “you ninny!” enough.

Here, then, is my version of “You Ninny” on behalf of fiction writers the world over who must deal with public perception..

Seriously, what people think…

Fiction writing, it’s easy!  We all learned how to write paragraphs in school and how to use those quotation thingies. Anyone can do it.  Just sit down and write a story.  Someday I’ll write a book, too.

Writers, they  make millions of dollars for every single book!  I can prove it.  I heard how much money those Harry Potter books made.  It was on the news.  So that’s the average.  Some writers make even more.

All writers live glamorous lives (and are drop-dead sexy just like Castle).  They know everyone and get lots of favors.  They meet with their editors over lunch.  Readers line up around the block for every single single book.  They spend more time doing all this than they ever spend actually writing.  It is glorious!

Every good book gets published!  If it’s good, it’ll be on the shelves tomorrow.  And every writer makes it if she/he just “wants it” enough.  Some writers may get rejections (what a great story that makes!), but someone will *always* buy their book in the end.

When I buy a book, writers get rich.  Publishers probably get a little, but the writer makes 90% of the cover price.  Oh!  Those sales and dollars just rack up!  Millions of copies each!   After all, TV shows Terra Nova had 10.1 viewers and Alcatraz  had 9.6 million viewers, and they got cancelled.  So that’s the low end.  Books, same thing.

Once you get a book published, you can write your own ticket!  Publishers will always want your books, and they have to bend to your demands. Talk shows can’t wait for authors to call them about booking appearances.  You can hold out for more money.  And you can pretty much write what you want and no one will reject it or ask for changes.  Woo Hoo!  You are golden.

Why doesn’t everyone do this?!

Because none of this is true (you ninny)…

Yes, please, oh please, sign up to be a fiction writer.  You’ll get to work FOR FREE (it’s called “on spec”) for years  hoping to write a story that someone else (in the accounting department) thinks is a good investment… or just plain ol’ master the craft of writing.

You’ll make 4% to 7% of each sale (once your advance is covered, which it never will be), and sell out your print run, which  is, like, 1,000 to 20,000 copies depending on what you write.  Do the math.  Riches await.

So does all that glamour, sex-appeal, and fame.

(Note, the fantasy about fiction writing is usually about having a publisher who adores your work, has a fat wallet, champions your every idea, and ensures that your books have a window display in every bookstore. 

If the fantasy is about self-publishing, the author doesn’t need to do any work at all to sell the book.  It’s magic.  The book just suddenly becomes a runaway bestseller, and the author doesn’t even know how she did it.  In fact,  I think glass slippers were involved.)

I’m a writer; I’m ready for publishers to court me!

Or maybe it’s not that easy.

Maybe it’s about a long-term, career-level focus dedicated to mastering (a) the craft of writing and (b) the publishing industry. 

Each and every day, fiction writers are out there working 7-days-a-week to hit deadlines, create even modest careers, build social networks, blog, and dozens of other things that might mean, some day, they can pay all their bills.

And if the writer hits the big time?  Well, she’s working 7-day-a-week to hit deadlines….

“It’s just so wonderful!”

And see, it really is.  That’s the piece we writers do agree with.  If you’re a fiction writer and not a ninny, you never expected easy.  You’re not here for the fantasy.  It’s the hard work that’s wonderful.  It’s the work you love.

And you don’t mind explaining that to all the folks who wonder about your house on the beach and your proofreading butler.

Gently, you explain just why it’s never been that easy.

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Diane writes two alternating columns for Freelance-Zone:Fiction-Zone: Leaps in Fiction Mastery and Marketing-Zone:Marketing-Zone: Marketing Yourself and Your Book.