I’m clearly having a Dave Barry moment, so please be patient.

Lately the deluge of offers of naughtiness are coming at me non-stop. Already twice today at the time of this writing, I’ve had freelance writers let me know they think I’m hot stuff.

Now they’re too professional to come right out and say it in an e-mail. No, these temptations come to me by way of thinly veiled messages. To the casual readers they look like simple writing goofs, but I know better.

See, I know how to read between the lines. And I can JUST TELL these freelancers are trying to tell me something. Something steamy. Like maybe they want me to scoop out one of my spare millions and take them on a world cruise, sipping alcoholic drinks out of coconut shells and savoring the pleasures of the flesh.

I know what you’re thinking right about now, but trust me. This is REAL. They all use the same code, and it’s flattering really…but I just don’t know how I can afford to take ALL these people on a steamy cruise, let alone spend the proper amount of time with them all. So what’s the hidden message in all of this material they send me?

They all write, “Please bare with me.” Some say it in the articles they send, others say it in their cover letters or e-mails about this and that. Some of them also mention that a sign proudly “bares” a logo, or that they “bare in mind” which also sounds to me just a bit dirty. I know dirty thoughts when I read them, oh yes indeedy.

But I just can’t bare with you. For starters, I’m taken. What’s more, I can’t afford all the cruise ship time. I’m flattered, really, but it won’t work out between us no matter how many times I bare with you.

Please don’t be hurt or upset, but unless you want me to “bear with you” instead, I’m afraid it’s just not on, as the kids would say. I just can’t respond to your pleas for nakedness.

I’m sure you understand.