WARNING: The following contains EVIL HUMOR and is not for the easily alarmed. It’s Friday, I’ve had too much caffeine, and in my current state of mind I think things have been far too serious round here as of late–not that there’s anything WRONG with that, but it’s time to lighten up a bit. So without any additional fanfare, read and learn.

What follows is a fictitious example of a bad query letter taken from the thousands of real e-mails I’ve gotten in the last few years…the EVIL HUMOR comes in because what I put in italics are the ACTUAL THOUGHTS of editors who read this crap. Not all editors are as EVIL as I am, but many share my penchant for EVIL HUMOR and feel the same way I do when they read the following:

“Dear Editor”

(Wrong. Bad dog! Bad, bad dog! Sit! Roll over! And NEVER use a generic saluation to someone you’re trying to get money out of. Either omit the salutation altogether or take the time and find the person’s bloody NAME.)

I have a great idea for your magazine. (Not advised. Just get to the point, writer-face.) There are 200 widget makers in the world, (good! Start with a statistic and give em solid facts.) but only one of them is a two-headed bifocal wearer. (Again, good, as this plugs some uniqueness that your piece can offer to the jaded old editor meanie.)

The two-headed bifocal wearing widget maker works at a KrankTown manufacturing plant known for its progressive policies and has recently made headlines in Corn Cob Eater Monthly for its welcoming attitude towards people with two heads. (Not bad! The fact that it’s gotten press elsewhere is a plus in the minds of some editors.)

I can contact the two-headed widget maker and see if he can do an interview for this piece, once you give me an assignment. (BAD DOG! No! NO! NO! Sit in the corner. NO SOUP FOR YOU!
Two things wrong here–don’t tell the editor you don’t have this story all sewn up six ways from Sunday unless he presses you for details and do NOT be so presumptuous as to basically tell the editor you EXPECT an assignment. Believe it or not, a few people actually DO THIS thinking it’s a GOOD THING. They are dummies. Don’t YOU be a dummy.)

I’d love a chance to write this story for you. My friends tell me it’s very interesting to them and they’d buy a magazine with this story running in it. (Oh, boy. The editor is JUST THRILLED to know what your friends think. Yipee.) I don’t have much experience writing, as I am a new freelancer (BAD DOG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!) but I am hoping you’ll take a chance on me once you see the finished piece. (Not likely, matey boy.)

My rates are usually $_______, but I am open to negotiation. (That sound you just heard was the editor hitting the “delete” button.) If I don’t hear back from you on this story in two weeks, I’ll feel free to shop this piece elsewhere. (Gee, THANKS! What a thoughtful ding-dong you are…)

Thank you very much for your time (YES! Polite is NICE! We like this stuff, really.). I look forward to hearing from you. (Keep dreaming, cheeto-face.)

(I could write a whole ‘nother post about how to do this RIGHT. And I will…just not today. Keep reading, folks!)